Tiny, but Dangerous.

The homeless man that digs through the dumpster behind our apartment calls me "little one." The men that sit by Alterra in which I walk past to get by coffee call me "short stuff."
I get called "kiddo" on a regular basis. My friends have often referred to me as "tiny."
Ever since grade school, I was getting called names such as "shrimp" or "munchkin" due to my height and tiny stature. I was out at the bar with a friend and my dad and this woman bumped into my friend and turned to apologize and saw me and proceeded to make a "oh my she's so little" comment and even made hand gesture's while doing so.

Here's a warning...I would not get in my way. I'm not quite sure many people have actually seen me mad. I would probably say the only person that could honestly say they have seen me ACTUALLY mad is my ex boyfriend. And I bet he would agree with the subject line of this blog. I do not get mad easily but if you do something that pisses me off...watch out. It will not be worth it. I do not hold grudges and can handle most situations and even tend to let boundaries be pushed way further and longer than they should be...but when I get pissed boy do I get PISSED. And you will probably not want to get in my way after you see that I am pissed.

Also my voice does not match my body. I asked my boss to write my a recommendation for grad school yesterday...he rolled his eyes, then jokingly threw it in the garbage can, all while sort of agreeing to write it. I proceeded to tell him I'm sure he has plenty of positive things to say about me..but to please leave out the fact that I tend to be overly sarcastic. He then told me that I should not tell him to lie and also not to tell him what to do (mind you he is also overly sarcastic). Point of the story is...I originally started grad school last year for counseling so today I decided he seemed to be in a negative mood and I asked him if he wanted to talk about it...which turned into me loudly telling him to start thinking more positive. Thus him telling me it was a good thing I quit counseling because I would make a terrible therapist. I want my coworkers to remember the tiny...but dangerous part too sometimes. :) Although he's probably right on the whole making a terrible therapist front.

I have always said I need to marry someone who is over 6 feet tall so my kids have a chance to have some height on them. It probably will not happen though because I'm sure I'm destined to marry someone who is like 5'7" or something and besides...tall guys never like short girls forever. That's a fact. But a girl can dream..right?

Anyways point being....don't think that I'm easy to run over just because I'm short...I can be terrifying so remember that.

We all want to have our cake and eat it too right?

Life is confusing. We all want what we can't have and once we obtain that...we usually don't really want it anymore. Nothing makes sense and everyone is greedy...including myself. I talk this big game and think i'm this amazing person but at the end of the day I play the same game as everyone else maybe in just a different way.

For example...we go to school, graduate, and get a job. But that's still not enough. We want to go back to school to pursue a higher degree and get a better paying job. It's all about competition to get to the next level of where we could potentially make more money and gain higher credibility within our career worlds.

Everyone knows I'm awkward so I never say the right thing or go about anything the right way. I don't say what I mean or do what I want to. I act weird, look sideways, and walk away. Maybe thats why I am where I am today.

Off to Denver next weekend. My life plan is to become a world traveler. This year was a good start. I made it to D.C., New York, and Denver :)

Everything happens for a reason....right?

My mom's motto in life was always that everything happens for a reason..I suppose that was due to the fact that she went through so much heartbreak throughout her life and still managed to pull through it. I fully believed her, and still do, although it was tough to see that when she left me, but I do still think that everything does happen for a reason. Although at the time it is hard to understand why, I'm not sure we're always supposed to. With Thanksgiving coming near...this will be my third one without my mom. It is completely insane to me that I have lasted this long without her. Truth? I could have cared less in the first year if I got hit by a bus. I have never hurt that bad. But time does heal and life does go on. I'm here to write about it and I do feel as though life has a purpose, yet when life gets tough I wish she was here to help me out. I don't normally talk about her as much anymore..I'm not sure why...partly because it still sucks and partly because I feel as though others think its just "over and done with." Whatever the reason, this time of year brings her to the front and center of my mind.

My mom was the type of person that could make me (or anyone..my friends know this) feel better about anything. No matter what the problem I was having, I could call her and life would seem just a little bit better. I haven't found anyone (and I know I never will) like her. I am thankful for having her for as long as I did in my life. I'm thankful that she raised me to the be the person that I am today.

My job makes me realize and appreciate my mom and the rest of my family even more. I see these families not care about each other on a daily basis and it breaks my heart. Being a social worker is hard work. Sometimes you are punching bag and you are the person to blame for all the problems and I'm trying to remember not to take it home with me (which I clearly did today :( )

Alright this entry is way too sappy and lame. Real quick I'm also thankful for my friends and job and family and etc!!

Now....on another note I hate my cat...she is very smelly and gross and poops everywhere. Whoever wants her can have her!

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." -Arthur Miller

I have a crazy job...I ever wonder if I will regret it. But funny things happen to me at my job...like my nine year old kid was talking to a cop at McDonalds about what he needed to do to become a cop and guess who that cop happened to be? The Wauwatosa police that asked me to testify for him against the man who hit me with the BMW...small world.

I only hope I end up with the right regrets in life. Like, choosing to go to Marquette, was a (god forbid) last minute decision. I was going to go to (OH no she wouldnt!)UWM but I had a last minute tour (thanks to my elementary school friends' dad who had some pull at the university). BUT, if I had went to UWM would I have regretted it? Or would I have come the out of there with a solid group of friends that my other friends around Milwaukee seem to have that I'm not sure I do have from college. Now, that's not to say my friends from college are not great...because they are (you girls know who you are)...but I have always felt as though I did not quite fit in. Like, I wasn't the same...maybe it's cuz I grew up in the middle of corn fields driving dirt bikes, snowmobiles, and four wheelers for fun and they grew up riding bicycles down the neighborhood cul de sacs in the suburb of Chicagos. This is isn't bad...just different. Or maybe its because I ditched them for two years in college for a boyfriend...that could be it. Whatever the reason...we have regrets right? But we do things for a reason at the time, I wonder if at the end of the day we are satisfied with that decision?

I am a hasty person. I make rash decisons. I have slight ADHD. I can't sit still..and I hate being bored. On the flip side, I'm always afraid of making the wrong decision or doing or saying something the other person will not want me to do or say. I've learned this can be detrimental at work, in friendships, or in personal relationships. Be yourself. That's the only thing you can do to ensure that life goes the way it is supposed to. Don't pretend.

Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks

Right? I think we all use humor as a defense mechanism. I know I do..maybe a bit too much..but hey whose judging? If i'm nervous...I make a joke..people laugh. I feel better. When I'm uncomfortable or angry...I use humorous sarcasm...it seems to work.

And always remember....

"A man is not old until regrets take the place of his dreams." - John Barrymore

Is it possible to have a midlife crisis at 24?

It seems like everyone has it all together around me. Job, relationship, living situation, school. Maybe it appears that I have it all together as well. I'm good at faking it...always have been...always will be. Unless you're my really good friend...then you know I'm slightly neurotic (ok maybe slightly was not the word to use). I tend to panic and worry and think that I'm never doing what I should be. So as of right now, to the normal outside observer, I appear to be a normal functioning 24 year-old who has stable employment and an otherwise stable life. And actually it probably appears that way to most of my friends as well...only the lucky ones know that inside I'm overanalyzing every aspect of my otherwise perfectly normal life.

Employment. My job is great...I'm ridiculously lucky to have a job that gets me the experience this is giving me in the social work field. But at times I go home wanting to pull my hair out or wanting to vomit because of what someone said to me or just what happened. I also have this tendency to be lazy---AKA I have been meaning to apply to grad school for a while now and just have not done it. Well good news is I'm almost done with UWM's application and will be beginning Loyola's after that!

Friends. THIS is normal. I have the most amazing friends ever. I actually have a plethora of friends all from various groups. (St. Charles) Work friends. High school friends. College friends. (TLP) Work friends. (Spinnakers) Work friends. Roommates college friends that are now kind of my friends too. Gym friends. So on and so forth. I'm lucky because some of my closest friends are from high school and not most people can say that. Those people have been there for me through the worst of the worst.

Relationships. What are those? I think I only know the meaning of unhealthy relationships. I run from any sort of commitment unless it has the hidden meaning of "unhealthy" attached to it..then hey I'm all for it! Or maybe I run from anyone that is interested in me and run towards anyone that is not. Either way in the end I always am the one who ends up hurt...which is the point of running from ANY sort of commitment whether that be a relationship, dating, or just sex. I just want someone to cuddle with at night...isn't that what we all what at the end of the day...really?

Family. My dad has a new girlfriend. He is bringing her and her family to Thanksgiving. Too soon? Yes, I think so. I do not want to go. But, I can't tell him this. I'm just not ready to deal with another set of awkward family situations. I deal with awkward family situations in my work life...I do not want to go home to it...on holidays especially. Holidays are hard enough without my mom...

Money. Financially I'm falling apart. I work three jobs and I'm barely making it by. Granted I spend my money like an idiot (sure...I'll go to D.C., NYC, and Denver all in the same year!), but I better be finding my rich man soon (NOW that might be worth making a commitment for!) I have student loans coming out of my ears, hospital bills, and credit card bills.

So I'm hoping 2012 has more to offer me...either that or the Mayan calendar may be right and the world just ends!