What the F**cking Sh*t my Dad says!

So when my roommate first told me she wanted to find her own apartment...I panicked because I'm a social worker and lets be real...we do not make money. I began to think of all my options and the only one I came up with at first was to move back home with my dad back to the small town of Sulley where everyone knows my dad as the guy who has "all those cars for sale." Also where the amount of bars outweighs anything else in the town. Well...this made me think of the plot of Sh*t my Dad Says where the guy has to move back to his dads at 27 after he broke up with his girlfriend and did not have anywhere else to go. Needless to say his dad had some pretty interesting life advice for him...similar to my dad. Although my dad's favorite saying is a variation of his...he tends to yell this when the Packers are playing. So let me give you various topics that my dad has given me advice on so far in my life.*Now to be fair, my dad has tried really hard especially since my mom hasn't been around..to wear many hats but usually it results in me laughing*

ON FRIENDS
He's had the same friends since he was in grade school and has added some along the way. But his advice has always been to keep the ones that have been there for you since the beginning. This is actually some sound advice that has led to me maintaining great friendships such as Sidekick, A Pal,  Betty, Shortie, Blanche, and Imoan (yeah perfect name for this girl)....just to name a few. What's that quote about friends? A friend is someone that knows everything about you and loves you anyway...that explains those people!

ON WHEN I FEEL LIKE I DRANK TOO MUCH THE NIGHT BEFORE
So I tend to go out with my friends and get a little crazy once in a while and when I see my dad the next day....I'll tell him. "Dad, I think I need to get my life together...I mean I'm almost 25..what a m I doing? I feel like shit." He usually just looks at me, shakes his head, and laughs while saying something along the lines of "You have your shit way more together than I ever did at your age...you're doin fine, keep up the way you're goin." Then he'll go on to talk about that I have a job, apartment, and graduated college so I'm doing amazing. Thanks for the ego boost dad...but I still probably shouldn't have had that last double vodka and tonic last night.

ON GETTING KNOCKED UP
One time I went on a brewery tour with my dad, his girlfriend, and after the tour we were waiting to eat our fish fry..if anyone has been to Riverfront Tour you know that you get a bit wastey face so this is probably the explanation for this conversation. My dad's girlfriend, SS was discussing her daughter and how she began having children at a young age. I was telling her I was glad I made it through high school and college. Well my dad decided at this point he wanted to give his opinion and chimed in, "YOU know what Ang...if you got pregnant right now..I wouldn't be mad...it'd be fine..like you made it through high school, college, got a job, have an apartment..you did well for yourself....it'd be okay if you had a baby." We all looked at him and I said, "uhh Dad...I don't even have a boyfriend right now."  He just laughed and shrugged his shoulders...(I'm glad you won't disown me or anything but I'll stick to my birth control Dad!)

ON LISTENING TO ME
 My dad taught my ex boyfriend how to listen to me without really listening to me. I learned this after about two years of dating my ex boyfriend. So when I approached my dad about it he began laughing and said something along the lines of "yeah I might have mentioned a way to block out a large percentage of what comes out of your mouth." REALLY DAD?! Aren't you supposed to be like my number one cheerleader??

ON GRAD SCHOOL
"So you got in huh? That's pretty cool...wait where are you going again?"  Again the listening thing...look up above.

ON BOYS
Who wants to talk about boys with their dad? Noone..thats what moms are for..right? Then moms pass that information along (whatever they deem appropriate  to the dads) and then dads and daughters never actually have to talk about anything awkward...and me and my dad are probably the most awkward people especially to talk about things like this together.

Specifically my ex-boyfriend"
The day I found the Asian Sensation was engaged to be married to the girl he dated after me...my dad was talking to me about god knows what and for some reason he decided to throw in...

"I think it's time you find yourself a boyfriend." - Dad
 "Dad...I just found out the Asian Sensation is engaged to the NEW girl...that's the last thing I want to think about." - Me
"I didn't think you and the Asian Sensation were meant for each other anyway...he couldn't fix things."  - Dad

Right...because everything is about FIXING THINGS DAD! Definitely made me feel better. Thanks.

Him and my friend were talking about the Asian Sensation and she called him a hairless cat and my dad thought this was just about the funniest thing he ever did hear. Then he drank more of his beer.

On a different boy that he just had a "thought" about:

"What's going on with you and Young Boy? I know there's something going on...I may be your dad  and old but I'm not stupid you know."

ON MOVING
"What, you're moving again? I thought I was done with this shit."

ON TRAVELING
I travel alot and obviously do not have alot of dispensable income to do so, so I try to ask my dad's advice on whether he thinks I should travel or not. So usually I ask if he thinks its worth it for me to go...say to Alaska..my next trip and his usual response is.

"...you spend your money on traveling like I spend my money on cars. You don't have the money to do it and can't afford it. But can you really afford not to? So yes...go"

Not sure this is the usual parently advice...Sidekick's mom usually lectures me about my traveling and spending of money but Hey I get to see world and I can say my dad told me to do it.

ON MY JOB
I'm a social worker...I work with kids that are either on probation or are working with the bureau and I work the entire family. Sometimes I get stressed and tell my dad some crazy stories...his usual response?

"If I were you, I'd just kick the shit out of those kids...they need a wake up call."

DAD....I'M A SOCIAL WORKER...REMEMBER?

I try to call child abuse on him all the time now...it doesn't work. He tells me if I hit him it's elderly abuse. Probably is...he's turning the speed limit this year. 55!

ON CAR ACCIDENT
I have bad luck...or maybe I really am a bad driver..who knows. Whatever the reason is...people hit me...alot. I was driving his nice BMW and someone slammed into me causing 3500 bucks worth of damage..their insurance paid. Exactly one month later I got rear ended in a different car. So I immediately call my dad to let him know of this ridiculousness. He answered and I go, Dad you'll never guess what just happened. I tell him I got rear ended.. His first question is if I'm okay (awesome dad response...good job!) Then he goes...do you think she has insurance? I'm like yup she does. He says "This is awesome...get her information and call the police...we're gonna get some money out of this one!" He was right we got a check for 1300 smackaroos (or should I say he got the check...it was his car after all).

This is just a few of the many stories/advice my dad has given me and I'm sure there are much more to come. I told him I was going to write a blog about him (we'll see if I decide to share it with him). Maybe someday I'll write my own What the F**cking Sh*t my Dad Says book and become famous for it! (or rather he'll become famous for it!