What the F**cking Sh*t my Dad says!

So when my roommate first told me she wanted to find her own apartment...I panicked because I'm a social worker and lets be real...we do not make money. I began to think of all my options and the only one I came up with at first was to move back home with my dad back to the small town of Sulley where everyone knows my dad as the guy who has "all those cars for sale." Also where the amount of bars outweighs anything else in the town. Well...this made me think of the plot of Sh*t my Dad Says where the guy has to move back to his dads at 27 after he broke up with his girlfriend and did not have anywhere else to go. Needless to say his dad had some pretty interesting life advice for him...similar to my dad. Although my dad's favorite saying is a variation of his...he tends to yell this when the Packers are playing. So let me give you various topics that my dad has given me advice on so far in my life.*Now to be fair, my dad has tried really hard especially since my mom hasn't been around..to wear many hats but usually it results in me laughing*

ON FRIENDS
He's had the same friends since he was in grade school and has added some along the way. But his advice has always been to keep the ones that have been there for you since the beginning. This is actually some sound advice that has led to me maintaining great friendships such as Sidekick, A Pal,  Betty, Shortie, Blanche, and Imoan (yeah perfect name for this girl)....just to name a few. What's that quote about friends? A friend is someone that knows everything about you and loves you anyway...that explains those people!

ON WHEN I FEEL LIKE I DRANK TOO MUCH THE NIGHT BEFORE
So I tend to go out with my friends and get a little crazy once in a while and when I see my dad the next day....I'll tell him. "Dad, I think I need to get my life together...I mean I'm almost 25..what a m I doing? I feel like shit." He usually just looks at me, shakes his head, and laughs while saying something along the lines of "You have your shit way more together than I ever did at your age...you're doin fine, keep up the way you're goin." Then he'll go on to talk about that I have a job, apartment, and graduated college so I'm doing amazing. Thanks for the ego boost dad...but I still probably shouldn't have had that last double vodka and tonic last night.

ON GETTING KNOCKED UP
One time I went on a brewery tour with my dad, his girlfriend, and after the tour we were waiting to eat our fish fry..if anyone has been to Riverfront Tour you know that you get a bit wastey face so this is probably the explanation for this conversation. My dad's girlfriend, SS was discussing her daughter and how she began having children at a young age. I was telling her I was glad I made it through high school and college. Well my dad decided at this point he wanted to give his opinion and chimed in, "YOU know what Ang...if you got pregnant right now..I wouldn't be mad...it'd be fine..like you made it through high school, college, got a job, have an apartment..you did well for yourself....it'd be okay if you had a baby." We all looked at him and I said, "uhh Dad...I don't even have a boyfriend right now."  He just laughed and shrugged his shoulders...(I'm glad you won't disown me or anything but I'll stick to my birth control Dad!)

ON LISTENING TO ME
 My dad taught my ex boyfriend how to listen to me without really listening to me. I learned this after about two years of dating my ex boyfriend. So when I approached my dad about it he began laughing and said something along the lines of "yeah I might have mentioned a way to block out a large percentage of what comes out of your mouth." REALLY DAD?! Aren't you supposed to be like my number one cheerleader??

ON GRAD SCHOOL
"So you got in huh? That's pretty cool...wait where are you going again?"  Again the listening thing...look up above.

ON BOYS
Who wants to talk about boys with their dad? Noone..thats what moms are for..right? Then moms pass that information along (whatever they deem appropriate  to the dads) and then dads and daughters never actually have to talk about anything awkward...and me and my dad are probably the most awkward people especially to talk about things like this together.

Specifically my ex-boyfriend"
The day I found the Asian Sensation was engaged to be married to the girl he dated after me...my dad was talking to me about god knows what and for some reason he decided to throw in...

"I think it's time you find yourself a boyfriend." - Dad
 "Dad...I just found out the Asian Sensation is engaged to the NEW girl...that's the last thing I want to think about." - Me
"I didn't think you and the Asian Sensation were meant for each other anyway...he couldn't fix things."  - Dad

Right...because everything is about FIXING THINGS DAD! Definitely made me feel better. Thanks.

Him and my friend were talking about the Asian Sensation and she called him a hairless cat and my dad thought this was just about the funniest thing he ever did hear. Then he drank more of his beer.

On a different boy that he just had a "thought" about:

"What's going on with you and Young Boy? I know there's something going on...I may be your dad  and old but I'm not stupid you know."

ON MOVING
"What, you're moving again? I thought I was done with this shit."

ON TRAVELING
I travel alot and obviously do not have alot of dispensable income to do so, so I try to ask my dad's advice on whether he thinks I should travel or not. So usually I ask if he thinks its worth it for me to go...say to Alaska..my next trip and his usual response is.

"...you spend your money on traveling like I spend my money on cars. You don't have the money to do it and can't afford it. But can you really afford not to? So yes...go"

Not sure this is the usual parently advice...Sidekick's mom usually lectures me about my traveling and spending of money but Hey I get to see world and I can say my dad told me to do it.

ON MY JOB
I'm a social worker...I work with kids that are either on probation or are working with the bureau and I work the entire family. Sometimes I get stressed and tell my dad some crazy stories...his usual response?

"If I were you, I'd just kick the shit out of those kids...they need a wake up call."

DAD....I'M A SOCIAL WORKER...REMEMBER?

I try to call child abuse on him all the time now...it doesn't work. He tells me if I hit him it's elderly abuse. Probably is...he's turning the speed limit this year. 55!

ON CAR ACCIDENT
I have bad luck...or maybe I really am a bad driver..who knows. Whatever the reason is...people hit me...alot. I was driving his nice BMW and someone slammed into me causing 3500 bucks worth of damage..their insurance paid. Exactly one month later I got rear ended in a different car. So I immediately call my dad to let him know of this ridiculousness. He answered and I go, Dad you'll never guess what just happened. I tell him I got rear ended.. His first question is if I'm okay (awesome dad response...good job!) Then he goes...do you think she has insurance? I'm like yup she does. He says "This is awesome...get her information and call the police...we're gonna get some money out of this one!" He was right we got a check for 1300 smackaroos (or should I say he got the check...it was his car after all).

This is just a few of the many stories/advice my dad has given me and I'm sure there are much more to come. I told him I was going to write a blog about him (we'll see if I decide to share it with him). Maybe someday I'll write my own What the F**cking Sh*t my Dad Says book and become famous for it! (or rather he'll become famous for it!








 

Being Friends with Jimmy Neutron

Anyone that knows Jimmy Neutron will find the humor in what I'm about to write. If you don't know Jimmy Neutron..you're about to get to know him.

Let me preface this by letting you know who exactly Jimmy Neutron is. I met him almost a year ago when one of my best friends (lets call her Sidekick) introduced me to him as her boyfriend. My first thought (and question) was..do you know your boyfriend looks like Jimmy Neutron (like the cartoon character...if you dont know what I'm talking about..google it!). Well anyways one of the first times I hung out with him I was thrown into a day long adventure in an attempt to get Sidekick birthday festivities. I was immediately showered with a bunch of questions from Jimmy about Sidekick. Cute...kinda but clearly Jimmy didn't know that kinda stuff makes me wanna puke! Well anyways Sidekick knows me better than I'd like her to at times so she's probably laughing as she reads this. Lets fast forward a year. Sidekick is trying to get back to Wisconsin and Jimmy  also wants to as well. Anyways Jimmy gets a job first and moves before Sidekick. He moves in with our friend Betty because she owns a condo and happens to have an extra bedroom for him. Well anyways Jimmy is frantic about having a second job so obviously the place he deems most appropriate is where I have my second job. Anyone that knows me knows that this is Luau Restaurant in good old O town. He gets a job the second day he moves and viola becomes my coworker. So for the last two weekends (soon to be three) I have spent my time with Jimmy. Usually my weekends consist of working and maybe drinking sometimes (lets be honest..ok yes drinking). So Jimmy is all up for the adventures of my life. Let me tell you what it's like being friends with Jimmy.

We all have that friend that talks to everyone right? That's Jimmy. We went to a bonfire and he introduced himself to everyone..next thing I know he's off doing his own thing and Jimmy's made some friends. Best part though...we were in a small town next to the small town where my dad lives and he asks my friends if there is a Taco Bell on the way from their house to my dads. Jimmy...in the 5 miles from their house to mine...there are churches and cornfields!  We ended up staying there and Jimmy made sure he had his Packer Pajamas and pillow ready so he could get a full nights rest (no waking him up at 8 AM or he will get MAD)  Next, I drag him along to my Uncle's birthday party and he talks so much to everyone he becomes "Cousin Jimmy"...like for real some of my family thinks he is actually a cousin. Oh..not to mention he is probably facebook friends with half of my facebook friends by now.  Now, this friendliness may not always be a good thing. One night we were out at a bar and Jimmy may have been a bit under the influence. We went to see my cousins band play. Well Jimmy went up to a girl and high fived her (aka I think he got to close..I'm not sure Jimmy has a bubble)...and she called stranger danger and he got kicked out of the bar by her boyfriend (the bartender). All the meanwhile, I had no clue Jimmy got kicked out until I heard banging on the windows and door of the bar (Jimmy thought it was a joke...so he was tryin to get back in!).... So we had to bounce out of there.

This brings me to my next point about Jimmy. He loves to eat. Me too...so this works out great for our friendship. Minus the fact that I GAINED FOUR POUNDS IN ONE WEEKEND. Not cool Jimmy...not cool. So I try to limit our food intake by telling him we can't go out to breakfast and we eat my dad's food instead...or if we're running late we don't get to eat. That always backfires though because then we will end up ordering Toppers or Jimmy Johns when we are drunk. Or after work we get a pizza and then decide that we really have  to get custard but Culvers has closed already so we drive to Kiltie and they are closed so then we settle on McDonald's ice cream. Also , don't ask me if I want food when I'm drunk because obviously the answer will be yes. Jimmy gets so hungry that he buys a hot dog at Target snack bar. That has to be the worst place to buy food. He also eats a ridiculous amount of my dad's pancakes and my dad's girlfriend spaghetti that she made for us.

Another thing Jimmy loves whatever is on the radio. He bounces his head along and sings from Carly Rae (our themesong..thanks to SIDEKICK) to Linkin Park. I'm not sure what kinda music he's actually into though.

Jimmy loves to ask the same question 7 different times just to make sure that he receives the same answer I think. Being a social worker, this is something I'm used to but boy when my friends do it I sure get annoyed. So Jimmy here is my formal apology for being a straight up BITCH at times. But since you were inducted as a cousin sometimes you have to get cousin treatment...aka bitch mode.

Jimmy has also spent alot of time at my dad's house which aka means my dad makes him do things. Move the bar, bring things in the house, or whatever else he needs done. He offered for Jimmy to live there...good thing Sidekick wanted to live with Jimmy...or my childhood home would have been Jimmy Neutron run over.

I'm sure there are much more Jimmy stories to come. Sidekick will be moving soon..thank goodness and I'm sure that my next blog will have alot of stories related to the ridiculous adventures Sidekick and I get ourselves in.

Everyone has an identity or something that they introduce themselves as..right? Like, hi, my name is John and I'm an engineer. They say you start finding your identiy in your 20s..heck I still have a hard time finding my keys every morning. I got into graduate school for my masters of social work...I guess I better start identifying myself as that. But...how does a 5'1" girl who looks like she's 12 convince people she is a social worker? Tough crowds I would say. Most people think I'm the kid and the kids are the social workers. Maybe that's what keeps it interesting. Anyways...I got asked the other night what I do and I explained. Anyways what does my job look like aka how do I get through the weeks? Lots of funny things happen that is for sure. I also drink on the weekends to make up for the stress (kidding...kind of!). I also take alot of vacations. Here are some things I've learned in my time so far.

1. Little kids love to sing and dance
2. All kids want to become rappers (some think they already have record deals with some big name guys!)
3. It never fails that the kids think its funny they are taller than me.
4. Some people will call you Miss (insert name here). Makes me laugh...because I look younger than them.
5. Your day is never what you expect it to be.
6. People disappoint and continue to surprise you even at work.
7. If you take the time to listen to someone you usually get to hear something amazing.
8. You can't bring your personal problems to work with you...leave them at home. Come in and act happy even if you're not.
9. When you think you've failed...just try harder next time.
10. People think I'm funny? I mean I know I think I'm funny but apparently others do too.

Anyways I think I'll stay a while and keep chugging along. I don't know how people have jobs that they hate going to everyday. That would be my demise. We'll see though talk to me in 6 months when i've started grad school. HA.

Push ups are for babies

I think everyone would agree that Groupon is the best invention since Google (or something close to that)...right? I mean come on...deals on hour long massages (that you're given a glass of wine before thus causing you to fall asleep), pedicures (you never seem to use), restaurants that you mean to use for dates that you could gain something out of it  (but ALWAYS manage to use them with just your friends), and last but not least those groupons for exericise classes that always seem to be such a good idea at the time. I got a yoga groupon that I still have not used all of the classes for. Let's be real...me find my inner qi and relax? Um no. Downward dog? Sun Salutation? Some kind of warrior position? I suck at breathing and focusing on releasing my inner stress. Also..you do NOT sweat in yoga..what a waste of an hour an a half. I went twice. So, I found this groupon for a Boot Camp class...I thought to myself...perfect! I will get an ass kicking, sweat busting, 6 week workout for a mere 35 smackaroos. I recruited my coworker and dear friend to join me. We thought we could just roll on in to the class decked out in a sports bras and camelbak waterbottles. NOT SO EASY. Little did we know we had to go through a freaking interview process just to get started in a first class. The owner of the gym, lets call him Sam, asked us five billion questions about what we wished to gain out of our time at this gym within our 6 weeks of attending there. He also proceeded to tell us how he has given up meat and everything terribly awful for him (do you ladies drink alcohol (um, sir...we are 24 years old...what do you think?) and is so healthy!! All the meanwhile, I'm just sitting there thinking, MAN, I JUST WANNA WORK OUT. After this insanely long process, we were enrolled, HURRAH. We stroll in the first day thinking it will be a good work out but we were not too worried (I mean we work out consistently enough at our own gyms). But let me tell you were were sore for a week!! He has us doing this crazy push ups that require you to keep your arms completely at your side...in which he is constantly "correcting my form"...DUDE MY FORM IS NEVER GONNA GET BETTER....GET OUT OF MY FACE. It's like having a constant personal trainer telling you you are doing it wrong. If I can't kick someone's ass by the end of this...it was pretty pointless. Only two weeks left..or is it three. Not sure, I'm bad at math. This gym costs $150 to join...not gonna happen.

I shouldn't have eaten those eggs (my fart smells like sulfur)

Sometimes all you need is a good weekend with friends and that's exactly what I had. My friend from high school made the trek from the hood of Detroit with her boyfriend to spend the extended weekend back at home.  Rightfully so they spent much of their time with moi. We began the weekend by drinking a few bottles of wine and discussing the fact that my dad thinks I'm lonely and need to find a MAN to rely on...or be able to rely on. I'm pretty sure he thinks that I am a wine drinking, bathtub crying, bitter toward men, single girl. Awesome. So we got a bit tipsy and obviously utillized Facebook up the wazoo...to tag ourselves with our amazing quotes, or to tag random people in order to get them to recognize us (ahem). The next day resulted in going to a coffee shop...hold the whip, skip the breakfast....DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY POINTS YOU'RE CONSUMING? Friday evening clearly meant attempt at bowling which is best done in a small town. My friend's boyfriend is the male version of myself (I'd like to say a bit more neurotic..but I'm not so sure anyone else would agree with that statement). He is not familiar with small towns so he was enthralled with this bowling alley and the food options they had...STEAK SEASONED WITH COFFEE? The owner was quite annoyed we wanted to bowl (IT HAD BEEN A LONG DAY OKAY?)...uhh it's 10 PM...so we drank our drinks fast and traveled across the street to . the other bar. Not much better luck there...horrible 19 year old bartender (probably what was wrong right there...SHE WAS 19)...who did not know what a DOUBLE TALL meant for a drink. "What's that mean...like more alcohol??" Which resulted in us having a quadruple drink...aka with rail whiskey and fleischmanns....VOMIT. We slammed them expecting to get out of there as quick as we could because it seemed to be a high school reunion that we were not invited to. As we were attempting to leave...someone recognized me. Awesome. Of course. I worked with you in high school? You've been to my house? Oh now I remember. Oh and you're buying us a  drink? Thank you. Guess we're stayin a while. Guess I'm accidently going into the boys bathroom instead of the girls. Guess my friend fell up the stairs. Guess it's time to go home. Saturday. Hungover. Big plans to open a bar over breakfast. Great idea...we'll name it Sisters (after my friend's boyfriend and I...because we call each other Sisters).We're supposed to go to dinner and get that great coffee steak at that bowling alley and visit our friend that bought us drinks..because he's working! Shoot...we're   poor and too old go out two nights in a row. So we made Mexican and watched a movie and drank wine! I love my friends and weekends just like these. Next weekend I am making the trek over to the hood of Detroit (but not really the hood)...and can only hope for even better stories!

Midnight Mac and Cheese

I read this blog http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/go-get-wasted-tonight-with-your-best-friends/ which all about going out and getting wasted with your best friends. This brought me back to a conversation I had with one of my best friends in which we talked about all the funny things we do when we are together and drunk. This blog talks about giving yourself a night to let go with your friends and not worry about the day to day bullshit that we have (aka work, school, boys, or whatever else is on our mind..in our mid twenties). So I decided to devote this blog to talking about the funny, sometimes stupid, definitely odd, things that my friends and I do when we are (way) under the influence.

1. Drunk dial each other's parents: True story..this first happened on Halloween a couple years ago. My friend and I woke up the next morning and were looking through our phones (as we had a bit of a fuzzy end to the night) and she realizes she drunk dialed...MY DAD...from her cell phone! So from then on out we have tended to this...quite often. My dad gets nervous anytime I go out drinking with her....lets just say he has begun to unplug the phone by his bed.

2. Eat midnight mac and cheese: Now I say midnight mac and cheese because this tradition began in (probably) middle school when alcohol was not involved. Now it is more like 2:30 or 3 AM mac and cheese. The best part is when we go out drinking at home and stay at one of our friends houses...her mom will fill the pot of water, leave out the correct amount of bowls and spoons, put the box of mac and cheese out with the measuring spoons and all. Don't we have it made? Granted we are usually much too loud which results in Mama M coming down in her t-shirt and undies and yelling at us to be quiet (yes this STILL happens and we are almost 25)

3. Drink Boots: We have a classy German Bar back at home that we often congregate in, but I'd like to say that three of us began this tradition one night when we pounded two boots down between us. Lets just say there was much beer pong (yes bars do have beer pong) and dancing to follow that evening. BUT this has been something we do on a regular basis and have even invested in our own boots (sadly enough) so we can do it at home!

4. Play Truth or Dare: I'm totally not lying...this actually has happened, probably more than once. With siblings involved. Don't worry the siblings do not have to do anything gross (get your mind out of the gutters people!). Those smart phones got us with that truth or dare app...and that play dirty option? OH GEEZ!

5. Wine Nights: By wine nights I mean where 7 bottles of red wine are knocked back between three people. Or 4 between 2 people...where you wake up the next morning wanting (or needing) to call into work. Some people STILL have a hard time consuming red wine.

6. Dance: I am not coordinated at all. But get a few (many) drinks in me and I will bust a few moves. Get me in Pontiac (Michigan...ever been there?....check is it out..it's a trip!), at a dance club where I don't see anyone that looks like me, and I will down three double drinks as fast as I can and dance like a maniac and pretend I'm the deejay.

7. Go to Curling Clubs: This only happened once but it was so epic I have to put it in here. I mean, if you meet a nice middle aged couple at a bar around lunch time and they buy you lots of drinks and invite you to go curling with them at their curling club you should go right? Oh by the way...free drinks?

8. Drunk Jenga: This is just pretty fun.

9. Go to Coyote Ugly and drink $1 PBR: Mostly ugly girls shaking it on the bar? Right...it's not that cool but when you get $1 PBR in NYC it's THAT COOL! Best part....trying to find the subway back to the hotel...while drunk. Good thing some of our friends tend to stay more responsible than the others.

10. Going on day long bus pub crawls: SO HARD TO DO. Tests whether or not your body can sustain drinking for that long or if you will be the puker.

11. Manhunting: This is never successful...especially while drunk, but definitely gives some hysterical stories the next day!

12. Brewery Tours: We just never seem to make it past one...especially if it is Lakefront. They always get you with their tour and their (seemingly) neverending beer. But hey...I usually walk out of there stumbling a bit!

13. Happy Hours: You mean to go for just one and an app...or just ONE BLOODY. Next thing you know you're rolling into bed around midnight....one...or maybe even two.

14. Brewer Games: You always go thinking you will have just a few beers the entire game, which usually turns into about 10..which results in going into the game a few innings in, getting more beer in the game, (sometimes) getting kicked out of the game (for reasons we will NOT get into!), and ends with either going out for more festivities or probably not ending up at your own place.

15. C Capping: Truth. My friends and I have C Capped while drunk. Not that I would not do this sober..or haven't done this sober. But believe me, it's much funnier after a few bottles of wine and you C CAP anyone and everyone you could possibly think of.

16. Cutting Your Foot on Glass: This has happened to several of my friends, including me. Went right through my flip flop. And when you're drunk...you bleed...alot. And I hate blood. So of course I call my friend out to help bring me napkins. She comes out patches me up and the bouncer proceeds to tell her she would look BEAUTIFUL with cornrows (she is Asian). We look at him like he is crazy and then he asks if he can paint my toenails sometime. Believe me..we hightailed it inside real quick.

17. Talking to taxi drivers: Telling our life stories to taxi drivers has got to be one of the best things..and asking them where they come from and why they stay in these godforsaken places we travel to...aka PONTIAC, MICHIGAN.

18. Beach Drinking: Hanging by the beach and drinking all day has got to be one of the best summer activities. Except of course you get wasted by 3 PM and have to stumble home and get in the shower so you are presentable for Summerfest.

19. Summerfest: This is just a drunken activity. Has been since you started drinking and probably will be until you are dragging your kids there (although I remember my parents taking full advantage of the beer tent when I was being dragged there).

20. Drinking in Small Towns: Usually great. Never need alot of money. Tend to hit on by SOMEBODY. But tends to result in some ruckus.


I'm sure there is a bunch more things that I am missing/and or leaving out but the point is, it's true you can have a completely let loose night out with your best friends (hey I have them more often then I care to admit...but eh..whose counting anyway)...right?!?!?